i’m typing with 1 hand bc i broke my finger

at camp we were playing volleyball and im competitive AF so i dived to get the ball and it it over. i got it over the net but i tripped in the process and smacked my left hand on the ground to catch myself and my pinkie got smashed. so yea that’s fun.

besides that nothing exciting happened. i’m eating a cliff bar right now.

sorry i’m really boring.

i love shane dawson he’s amazing and i love him and ryland together.

i’m skyping my friend jane i love her she’s so funny.

sorry this post is boring i have no ideas to write about today at all.

ali’s pretty cool. yep.

bye guys lol

-juliette

 

 

AH feelings why

I really like someone! I’ve been developing a crush on them for the past couple weeks but didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t know if it was a real crush or not but I really like her.

It’s Ali.

She’s going into 9th grade and she’s really funny and cute and just a really nice sweet good person.

We went to the Renaissance Faire together with our acting group yesterday and it was a really fun day. We all wore old timey renaissance clothes from our costume bins and it was really fun. Except for the fact that I got a blister on my right ankle. Oh well. It was really fun and we took a lot of pictures. If only you were following my Instagram. Me and Ali posed under the kissing bridge and took pictures and it was cool.

Then me and Ali had a sleepover at Hanna’s house and got drunk while Hanna was sleeping. It was really fun. We were just taking random shots such as vodka, sherry (idfk why it was nasty), gin, kahlula (idk how to spell it but it was so good).

I just really like Ali, she’s great.

I went to a go kart track today and it was really fun. I want to ask Ali out but she has a girlfriend. Even though they’re long distance I don’t want to get involved in the drama. I may tell her her how I feel just to get it off my chest but idk.

Sorry for the short post I don’t really have anything interesting to talk about. I’m seeing my friend that I haven’t seen in a while soon. I’m excited for school to start.

Yea that’s about it.

-Juliette

Girls, girls, girls. (aka me coming out of the closet)

I thought of posting this idea last night but was too tired to write it all out so I’m doing it now. This post is going to be about my gayness and my experiences and stuff so if you don’t like that then just don’t read it because it’s my blog and I don’t care what you think.

So in the beginning of 8th grade I stopped having crushes. I used to have crushes on boys like the typical young girl but in 8th grade they stopped. I didn’t really think anything of it because you don’t have to have a crush on someone every 2 seconds, ya know? Around the time of December I started to joke/question to myself if I was gay. It was kind of a fear, I don’t know how to explain it. I couldn’t stop thinking “am I gay?” “what if I’m gay?”. I tried to push it out of my mind because I knew/thought I was straight and just going through a crush-less time.

Then some time in February (surprise surprise), I fell in love with my best friend (at the time) Talia. She was short and had a pixie cut with blue hair dye. She was really beautiful and wasn’t afraid to be herself. I liked her until July. We would always joke that we were dating and married whenever people would ask us. If someone told us we should go out together we would laugh and say we already were dating. We had a very spark-ful relationship. We’re still really close. It’s funny actually. We were talking a couple months ago about love and romance and I told her that she was my first girl crush and she told me she had liked me too at that time. It’s funny how things work like that. We laugh about it now because we’ve changed so much since then.

My first relationship was actual hell. Alaska. I met her in May because we were doing a show together in our school. She introduced herself by saying, “Hi I’m Alaska do you want some Cheese-its?”. She offered me food so we obviously got along very well. After about a month she started developing feelings for me. I still was in love with Talia at this point but Alaska didn’t know this. I honest to god had no interest in being with Alaska but I’m terrible at saying no. She asked me out on July 20th and I said sure because as you know I literally can’t say no. She was really mentally abusive and mean to me and was cheating on me basically the whole time. We were together for about 2 months and I ended things because my mental health had completely plummeted and well, she was cheating on me. I also had developed a crush on someone else but that’s not really the point. She fucked me up so badly and honestly I’m still recovering because I did eventually start to really fall for her in our relationship. She keeps trying to re enter my life and tells me she loves me. I have her blocked on every social media. I do not want to speak to her ever again.

Stella. I was in so deep with her. I was legitimately in love with her. Since the end of September to February I only had eyes for her. She was also short and had short hair, but hers was just brown. We automatically had great chemistry. The first time we met was in the cafeteria on the first day of school. She was sitting at a table that was full of people who were soon to become my closest friends. I was sitting with this girl Aurora who was on her computer the whole time. She doesn’t really have any friends and neither did I so I guess it made sense. In the middle of lunch Stella and I randomly locked eyes and she mouthed “come sit with us!”. I mouthed back, “there’s no room!”. She then mouthed, “you can sit on my lap!”. And I did. That was our first encounter. I’ll never forget it. Stella is all I aspire to be. She is confident and doesn’t give any fucks about what people think about her. I eventually told her how I felt because I thought she felt the same way. Unfortunately she didn’t but it gave me a boost of confidence. I felt like I could do anything because I got over my biggest fear; telling someone how I felt about them. About 2 weeks after I told her how I felt, she got a boyfriend. But it was a good experience. I learned a lot from her. I still love her so much. Not romantically, but just as a human being. We don’t really talk much anymore but I hope we reconnect when school restarts again.

Since then I haven’t really liked anyone. I think it’s because I don’t really love myself and I don’t know how to love. I know how to fall in deep and never escape but I don’t know. It’s hard. I’ve kind of just been floating by in my own little bubble. It’s alright.

I met this really cute girl who worked at the roller skating place yesterday. She was adorable. She was short and had a nose piercing and short hair. I think I’m seeing a trend.

Besides being hopelessly in love with Bex Taylor Klaus, I’m so single and I’m fine with it. I don’t want to be in a relationship just to be in one. I want to be in one with someone I want to be with. Which currently is nobody, so I’m okay.

I don’t really know what the point of this post was. I think I made it to showcase my gay journey. Idk. But that’s my past.

Also, I’m not a lesbian and I’m not straight. I’m Juliette. I don’t know how to identify myself just yet, so why should I have to? Why should I ever have to? It’s my life. I’m just me and I love who I love. It shouldn’t matter to anyone else how I (and anyone esle) labels themselves.

Don’t be afraid to be you. That’s all I have to say.

 

I can’t roller skate to save my life.

I went roller skating today with my camp and it was really fun! Even though I sucked absolute ass and fell like 20 thousand times.

We went to this place that was probably an hour away and the whole bus ride we were blasting all kinds of songs, throwbacks and pop songs and romantic songs. Me and one of my best friends Adriana sat together and we were fantasizing about these two boys in our group and how we think they’re gay and dating each other or they like each other. They really act like they’re dating. For example, they’re really touchy feely. They are always touching one another in some sort of way (not that way get your mind out of the gutter). They were holding hands at the aquarium 2 weeks ago and when one of them fell while skating today the other one grabbed his waist to make sure he didn’t fall. They’re so cute I really hope they’re secretly in love. Me and Adriana are writing a fanfiction about them. Okay that sounds really creepy but ya know we’re not the most normal people out there.

So you see the thing is that since I’m so single and always will be I fantasize about my friends being together.

But there was a really cute girl working at the roller rink. She was shorter than me and had short hair and a nose piercing and was just really cute! She was probably like 16 or 17. Too bad I may not ever see her again. I’m so gay wtf.

So I’m lactose intolerant and have like a huge dairy issue apparently. It’s been happening for the past few months. My dad is also lactose intolerant. Whenever I eat some sort of dairy I get sick and can’t leave the bathroom. I get terrible stomach aches to the point where I can’t even move. TMI? I think so. It sucks though I love ice cream and milk and cream cheese and butter. But it’s not worth feeling really sick and terrible afterwards.

I’m basically a vegan now because I barely eat meat.

I want to be on Broadway in the future. It’s always been a pipe dream of mine but I actually really want it to come true. Performing is my life. But it’s probably impossible.

You know what else is impossible? Me being straight.

I’ve been having a good past couple of days minus the whole dairy thing. Just thought I’d share.

How have you guys been?

-Juliette S

juliette on drugs or drunk or something! episode uno: stoned as fuck

this is the first episode of “juliette on drugs or drunk or something”. i’ll think of a better name sometime i dont really know.

i am juliette sorrano and i am stoned and i regret it. but im def going to do it again.

this isn’t the first time i’ve gotten high. i love it. but i also regret it. if i’m alone, like i am now because nobody loves me, all i have are my thoughts.

i have a sensual feeling of bliss and it warms me. but a piece of me is missing. it’s my sanity no doubt.

i love and i lose everyone and everything. my ex best friend, a girl whom i cant remember the name of now. she moved across the country to get away from me. i wonder why.

the first girl i ever fell in love with, Talia. she was beautiful and amazing and i was in love with her. i never told her and we drifted apart. i haven;t talked to her in a looong timeee. she’s as fucked up as me, i can tell you that. maybe even more.

alaska. i loved her and my paranoid anxious depressed self drove her away. she was also cheating on me, but i know its because i was just annoying and a terrible girlfriend. but i hate her, she can literally go fuck herself.

stella. oh stella. i fell for her when alaska left. technically when i left her. but she was different. she had a mind of her own. she didn’t care about what people thoguht of her. she led me on for longer than i can imagine. i finally came clean about my feeligns and she stopped talking to me. she has a boyfriend now whom i hope loves her very much, more than i could’vve. i don’t think i’ll ever truly be over stella. she’s the kind of great big beautiful love that even if you’re over them and have been for years, your heart still throbs and aches when it rains.

alaska again. salt in the wound mother fucker. she keeps coming back saying she loves me and wishes she could change her dcurrent situation and that i have to wait it out. fuck no bitch. ltierally die.

penny. my sister. i love her wth all my heart. shes my soul. but she’s leaving me. she hasnt even left me yet but i already know she has to leave and is oging to very soon. which hurts evn more.

the one thing that hasn’t left are my razors. i fell in love with them at first sight and theyve been here ever since. they make me feel in control and alive. i feel happy for a second and a half when i use them.

blame penny for my current state. no, blame penny’s stash for my current state. i’m sorry pen, i’ll repay you later i know stealing is bad.

this hurts. why do i do this. memories hurt. shouldn’t i know this by now?

bye guys.

-juliette.

 

 

 

 

the antidepressants argument.

10:29 pm, july 30th 2017.

my therapist was introducing me to the idea of antidepressants. i then told her that i didn’t really know much about them and that my mom didn’t like the idea of them and she immediately dropped the subject and wouldn’t bring it up again.

my mom works in the department of public health. she always says that medication is terrible for adolescent brains because they aren’t fully developed until they’re 25. she thinks they’ll just ruin the development of my brain ((although my brain is already fucked on it’s own)).

i don’t know a lot about them. two of my friends are on them (zoloft i think? idk) and they’ve helped them a lot. my old creep of a therapist (a story for another time) said i should be on antidepressants and gave me a list of psychiatrists to give to my mom. my mom threw them out and told me that they’d “fuck up my brain and i didn’t need them”.

i don’t have an opinion on them if i’m honest. but i know i want to feel better. i want this to stop and that absolutely nothing else is working. my old therapist adam gave me this DBT book and told me to read it and do some of the activities. i threw it under my bead and never even opened it. my new therapist jen gave me some dumb ass shit called modules and told me to do some and see if they work. i did 3/5 and they didn’t help or have any effect on me. i was reading shit i already knew. i told her they didn’t do shit and she said ok we can try something else. she was telling me to get out of bed and do stuff.

what?

why do you think that just because you told me to get out of bed and do stuff means that i’m gonna get out of bed and do stuff?

so i told her

“ok”

there’s no way in hell i’m gonna do things. i physically can’t get out of bed in the morning to do anything. it takes me 7 hours to get out of bed and go to my friend Hanna’s house and i love going to her house. i hate doing anything. i don’t like leaving my room.

the only thing i like is cutting. it gives me a sense of control and release.

my mom was telling me today: “you just need to get out of your own head and do things and talk to people.”

ah yes, because it’s so easy to do that.

i literally hate every inch of my being and want to die. and my mom doesn’t think i need antidepressants.

look guys. i’m not saying, “give me the drugs that’s the only way i’ll survive”. but i’m dying. i have nothing. nothing has been working on me, no dumb ass motivational techniques work on me. nothing.

i’m willing to do more research on antidepressants. i’ll do whatever it takes to help myself.

it’s not easy.

it’s really hard.

-juliette

A letter to my past self loosely based around an old journal entry.

Dearest darlingest Juliette,

“My whole life, I’ve been alone. I’ve never had friends. Nobody really liked me, and I never knew why. But I was very shy. I was (and still am) an introvert, I liked spending time by myself. People made fun of me because I was different. I didn’t dress like them, I didn’t do what they liked to do. And that left me with no friends. At lunch I would eat alone and then go talk to the lunch ladies. They were the only nice people to me. I loved to sing and act. But I’m still pretty alone. I have a best friend and I love her to death. A girl is trying to turn her against me. That’s rough. I’m still very introverted. I like being alone. But I think something’s wrong with me. When I wake up in the morning to go to school, I feel physically sick. The thought of school and being made fun of everyday makes me feel nauseous and gives me headaches. I get sick when I have to go to school. I feel really deflated and I just want to cry all day. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I just don’t feel normal. I’m alone. I’m self-concious of my weight and my body and I physically hurt when I think about school and being bullied. Is there something wrong with me? I don’t enjoy things anymore. I just feel upset and sick. I just feel done, I can’t deal with it. My best friend is moving 3000 miles away and it’s just going to get worse without her. In the mornings I just cry and feel sick everyday. I act like I’m happy but I can’t deal with anything anymore. I’m just blown out. Physically and mentally. I can’t eve process. I’m alone and I probably always will be. That’s that.”

That was you a year and a half ago. What do you think of that? I know it’s kind of strange that it was almost 2 years ago. But that is how you felt. I can tell you a lot will change. Your “best friend” leaving will actually bring a lot of light into your life. Shocking, I know. You will meet new friends and reconnect with old. You will get good grades in 9th grade. You will go through heartbreak and love and more heartbreak and more love. You will be happy. You will be sad. You’ll gain confidence and lose it again. You’ll dye your hair purple. You’ll kiss some boys and some girls and to be quite frank, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. You’ll get a horse! You’ll learn to dance and sing at a baseball game and learn how to play the ukulele. You’ll finally have some bliss.

But you’ll also plummet several times. You’ll be very very sad. You’ll lose people who were once very close to you. You’ll run your mouth and get yourself into some trouble. You’ll break down. You will hurt yourself and cry yourself to sleep more times than you can count. You’ll meet a weird therapist and hate her. You’ll meet another therapist and love him but then begin to realize he was really creepy and then hate him too. You’ll wait a couple months and then meet another therapist and really begin to like her and think she’s great. You’ll have fights with your mom, your dad, your sister and your friends. You’ll lose everyone.

It’s not gonna be a joyride. It’s gonna be fucking hard. You’ll try to kill yourself. You’ll call the suicide hotline and live a bit more because a small sliver inside of you knows you have to keep trying.

Here’s a bit of advice from me to you (would it be me to me? idk). Trust yourself. Don’t be scared to venture out when you realize you’re not like everyone else. Laugh more, it’s good for you. When things go wrong, you can always find a way to fix them. Nothing’s going to get better unless you want it to. I know, but it’s the harsh truth. Reality hurts. You have to try. Nothing is going to be handed to you on a silver platter. You have to work for it. If you want it, go get it.

In a year or so, you’ll still feel sad. You’ll feel lonely and horrible and depressed. But speak up. Nobody’s gonna hear you if you don’t say anything. People around you love you, even if you don’t think they do.

Maybe in the next year or so, you’ll meet more new people and become happier. Who knows? You can’t tell what the future brings. You have to make sure you have a future. You can’t quit even when it gets super hard. After you hit rock bottom, all you can do is climb back up. I know that’s super cheesy but I know we love cheesy cliche sayings. You’ll also fall in love with a character on a TV show and the actress who plays her, and don’t let anyone tell you it’ll never work out because you can do anything you set your mind to.

Oh also, gay is okay! Liking girls is great! Who cares what anyone else thinks. Be you!

I hope you’re doing okay.

All my love,

14 (and a half) year old Juliette.

P.S. If you’re reading this, some great and powerful inventors created time travel and this got to you! How cool is that?

____________________________________________________________________________________________

If I could write a letter to my past self, that’s what I would say. What would you say?

-Juliette

 

I had a great day. BUT NOW IM SAD AND MAD

For the first time in a while, I had a great day. If you didn’t read my last post, yesterday a couple of my friends and I went to 6 Flags! We spent the whole day riding roller coasters and eating junky food and just having a great day. It was really nice to get out of my own head and have a stress free happy day. I can’t remember the last time I had one of those. We all had a great time. And it was even more awesome because we just continuously rode roller coasters and ate! How could you have a better day.

I’m almost finished with the MTV Scream series. You should definitely watch it if you have Netflix. I have like 3 more episodes and I’m very sad about it. I love the show and all of the characters, especially Audrey and Noah. They’re making a season 3 but rebooting it so there’s gonna be a whole different cast. That infuriates me, there’s no way in hell I’m watching it without Bex TK and John Karna and Carlson Young and the rest of the cast. Hanna agrees with me. She’s my best friend and we’re both Scream fanatics and refuse to watch it without our favorites. I just can’t believe it’s almost over.

The last 2 weeks of summer Hanna and I are going to my beach house! I’m so excited I just need a getaway and I love the beach and Hanna will be with me and we’re gonna eat ice cream every night and it’s gonna be great.

I think I’m a lesbian. I know I’m super young but I don’t think I like guys at all anymore. I’ve liked about 2 guys in my whole life. I know I have time to think about it and figure myself out but it just keeps weighing on my mind.

(HOURS LATER)

I FINISHED SCREAM AND I’M DEPRESSED ABOUT IT IT WAS SO GOOD AND IM SO SAD THAT I WONT SEE THE CAST ALL TOGETHER IN A SHOW AGAIN AND I CANT BELIEBE ITS OVER IT WAS AMAZING AND MY FAVORITE SHOW AND IM SO SAD THEYRE REPLACING THE CAST BUT IM SO SAD ITS OVER BUT IM SHOCKED AT HOW GOOD IT WAS

((((needless to say i’m rewatching the entire series after i get home from my acting troop tonight))))

BUT IM JUST SO SAD ITS OVER IM LITERALLY SITTING IN M ROOM CRYING ON MY BED BC ITS OVER AND UGH I LOVE THE WHOLE CAST THEYRE AMAZING AND IF THEY EVER SEE THIS I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH

i gotta go to my acting troop now byeeeee

-Juliette (is sad and miserable bc scream is over)

 

 

Hopelessly in love with Bex Taylor-Klaus

I love Bex TK so much. She’s my inspiration and she’s beautiful and an amazing actress and a wonderful wonderful human being. I love her with all my heart. She plays Audrey Jensen on MTV’s Scream btw. I want to marry her.

It’s currently 1:55 AM. My friends and I are going to Six Flags tomorrow. 2 nights ago I stayed up until 6:30 AM watching Scream. I couldn’t fall asleep, but hey I got to watch the sunrise which was pretty cool.

I cut really deep last night. I didn’t even feel it, it only felt like bliss. There’s no pain attached to cutting for me anymore. I’m so numb and used to it.

All of these LGBT accounts are liking one of my Instagram posts and I’m really confused on why. It’s just a post of me and my friend for her birthday and I posted it like 2 weeks ago. Weird. Maybe they know I’m super super gay for Bex TK. Or they know I’m just super gay in general.

I wanna chop all my hair off. Not like shave my head bc I could never pull that off but I want to cut it like a boy. No I’m not trans or anything like that but I need a change and I’ve been wanting boy hair for a while. A pixie cut is what I mean. I think they’re sexy on girls who can pull them off. Like Bex. Sorry not sorry.

I really love the all Spanish version of Despacito, the one without Justin Bieber. It’s so much better than the one with him. It’s so authentic and beautiful. Idk I can’t stop listening to it. I’m also really loving Dodie Clark and acoustic song covers lately.

My mom, Penny and I are taking a kayaking class on Sunday. It’s gonna be so dumb but maybe it’ll be fun. Penny leaves soon and it makes me really sad to think about.

I want a dog. A puppy more specifically.

My friend Hanna is “mad” at me bc I love Bex. She thinks that since she knew who she was first that “she’s mine”. But in reality I’m gonna marry Bex. She’s so perfect. Hanna can go fuck herself. Jk I love her but still… Bex is mine.

It was my moms birthday today and we went on a trail ride together. It was fun except we lowkey got lost and I started freaking out but we made it back okay.

I never have one specific thing to talk about in a post. It always just flows through my past couple of days. There’s just never anything so exciting to dedicate one post to.

I’m gonna go, I need sleep so I can be well rested for Six Flags.

Also I’m naming my daughter Audrey. PSA. Maybe Audrey Jane so she can be called AJ if she wants. Oh well, I mean I have time to think about it. Anyways.

Much love,

-Juliette Sorrano

 

So um… hi again.

Hey, I didn’t die, I’m still here! Sadly.

I just needed to take a break from social media and blogging for my mental health. I hope you guys understand. I’m glad to be back though.

My mom finally scheduled an appointment with a therapist for me! Her name is Jen and she’s really nice. I like her a lot. It took her one meeting with me and she already can tell that I’m severely depressed. My mom still doesn’t really believe me but I guess she just got tired of me complaining to her. I’ve had 2 sessions with Jen so far.

I spoke with Jen and she helped me figure out a lot in just one session. I don’t have feelings for Alaska anymore and I’m so glad. She helped me see how Alaska is very toxic and is pulling me along like a dummy on a string. She didn’t say it in those words though, don’t worry. But I’m very thankful that I’ve figured this out.

I don’t know, blogging hasn’t seemed right for me lately. I never know what to write. But I’m trying, really I am.

I can’t wait for school to start. I love school and learning. I’ve never liked summer vacation. I get tired of it very fast.

I really want to get a boyfriend this year. I don’t know why. I want a relationship. I think I’m ready to try one again. I love nicely dressed guys. I love when they put themselves together in nice outfits and when they’re smart and like school and have nice hair and are clean shaven. I also love when they’re musical. That’s my ideal guy right there. There are barely any in my school though. It sucks. And guys just don’t like me. I’m ugly and annoying and obnoxious. Everyone kind of hates me.

I rode a horse named Cory for my trainer today. She wants me to start working with him a lot because he’s barely trained and very feisty. He was a nice ride but needs a lot of work. He’s basically a fireball and loves to jump and please, but he only has a foundation. He’s very different than Nicky, even though she’s also very green. So I guess he’s my project for a bit which is fun.

I’m going to Six Flags on Thursday with my friends! It’s gonna be very fun, I love roller coasters and all that shit. It’s so great. Penny’s coming too.

It’s my mom’s birthday on Wednesday. Yeah that’s all.

Anyways, how are you guys? That’s been my life for the past couple weeks.

Much love,

-Juliette.