how much can one take until they can’t take it anymore?

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life

so i got a new phone which means i downloaded the wordpress app which means i can post more often! woo!! so anyways.

i entered a lottery for dear evan hansen tickets and i might win and see the show tonight!!! it’s been my DREAM, even though ben platt left 😦 i loved him w/ all my heart…….. my baby…

a horse i grew up riding passed away about a week ago. it was sad, i miss her a lot. it’s okay though she had a wonderful life.

i want to be on broadway when i’m older. i wanna be either Zoe in DEH or Jenna in Waitress. it’s my goal.

i’m sitting in study hall bored as ever so i’ll give you a list of book recommendations bc why not?

-aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe

-murder on the orient express

-we are still tornadoes

-looking for alaska

-the fault in our stars (corny af i know)

those are some of my favorites.

so i’m over ali! i know that sounds shocking but i’m glad. that would’ve never worked out. my feelings just kind of melted away. we’re still best friends but idk i just lost the spark.

on the other hand, i think i’m catching feelings for a boy. i know that’s crazy!!!!!

but he’s super sweet and has long blonde hair and i call him my dance partner bc we dance together a lot and do ballet and lifts and stuff together and he’s really handsome and has an amazing singing voice and ugh idk. when we’re together the rest of the world just falls away (awww ew i know it’s too cheesy) i thought i was gay but i think i’m bi. i’m confused. but his smile is just….

there’s only one problem. one of my best friends is basically in love with him. fuck.

i think we’re gonna be playing love interests in the next musical we’re doing with my acting group, beauty and the beast. will that lead to something? i’ll keep you posted…..

i should probably finish my geometry homework. just wanted to update y’all bc i feel like i should post more.

-jules🍇

holy FUCK okay guys

I have been through hell and back these past few days. I have gotten barely any sleep, I STILL HAVE A FUCKING HEADACHE, and a horse I learned to ride on passed away on Monday. Fuck man do I have bad karma or something??? Anyways I know you’re all about the drama so:::::

BOY DO I HAVE SOME FUCKING TEA TO SPILL.

remember Stella? This post is gonna be all about her so get ready.

First let me start off with this bitch we’ll call Gray. I think I’ve called her that in my blog before but idk. So anyways, she was SUCH a toxic person and me and my friend group stopped being friends with her bc she was a snake and a bitch and a manipulative terrible fucking person. She also is a legitimate whore and fucks around with so many people (literally she fucked a guy behind a trailer at a fair and she met him THAT DAY. Anyways) remember her bc she’ll be important for the rest of the story.

Stella broke up with her boyfriend. She said it was bc of long distance and shit which I understand completely. She clearly loved him and was in a rebound stage. From Halloween on, gray and Stella became closer friends which I guess was fine but the start of something TERRIBLE. I guess Stella told gray that she broke up with her boyfriend, we’ll call him Kyle. Once gray found out about this she automatically jumped at the opportunity to fuck someone/fuck with someone.

She started getting closer to Stella (MY STELLA) over the course of two weeks. Then she asked her out and Stella said yes bc REBOUND STAGE and they dated for a solid day. Here’s what happened:

their first date was a double date with their friend Lila who’s a very nice person and this guy she met who we’ll call KJ. the WHOLE DATE, Gray was ignoring Stella and talking to KJ the whole time and being all flirty with him. CAN YOU HELP ME FIND THE RED FLAG????? Anyways.

LITERALLY THE NEXT DAY GRAY BROKE UP WITH STELLA. CAN YOU EVEN CALL IT A BREAK UP??? THEY DATED FOR LIKE A DAY WTF???? Anyways HOW she did it made me so angry.

Gray did it over text which is an asshole already (Ik I’m a hypocrite bc that’s how I broke up with Alaska but oh well). She told Stella that she wasn’t looking for a relationship right now but she liked the attention that Stella was giving her so she asked her out. And if that wasn’t sucky enough, the NEXT DAY GRAY TOLD STELLA: “the reason I broke up with you was a bunch of bullshit btw, I never liked you, I liked KJ and I low key wanted to fuck around with you”

WHAT A FUCKING CUNT!!!!!! SHE KNEW STELLA WAS IN A VULNERABLE PLACE BC OF HER RECENT BREAKUP AND THEN SHE DECIDES TO BE A MANIPULATIVE ASSHOLE!!!! Thankfully, Stella is never going to talk to her again and blocked her phone number. I just feel so bad for her bc I really do love her (not like THAT you saps) and she didn’t deserve any of that.

OH ALSO NOW GRAY AND KJ ARE DATING AND THEY MET LITERALLY LESS THAN A WEEK AGO. SHES A FUCKING WHORE!!!! I’m so angry. If I didn’t truly hate her before this, I fucking hate her now. She’s an absolutely terrible person. I don’t hate many people, but she’s DEFINITELY on my hate list.

Also, Im not exaggerating any of this, Stella was the one who told me and showed me the texts.

wow I’m actually posting consecutively??

(just some info: i did write this a couple days ago but couldn’t post till now so YES it is still consecutive don’t hate me)

here I am writing again. I’m on my iPad so grammar will be more correct bc autocorrect. Stupid autocorrect.

anyways I have a headache and have been starting to feel sick again. Did I mention I had mono for the past month? I don’t remember. But I’m ok now except for feeling shitty at the moment.

I have yet to see “cute new boy I’m falling in love with” again. And there’s no rehearsal next week! So sad. But I’ll see him in two weeks. Wth I’m actually obsessed, calm down Juliette.

I feel like people hate my blog. Oh well, it’s an outlet for me and I like posting so I won’t stop.

I wanna get high. Or drunk. but not alone. I wish I had friends.

J went horseback riding again today, it was p fun. I rode “new horse”, the one I’m working with who I haven’t named yet, she came from a rescue and was just number 134. I assume she was ridden badly by others and mistreated before I got her but she seems to like me which is progress. She doesn’t let anyone else get on her though or sometimes even go near her. Maybe that’s why she ended up at the shelter. But she’s super sweet. As soon as we got to the rescue I automatically chose her and it’s like she chose me, she came right over to me. But she’s also a maniac. But I’m glad I get to work with her. Comment name suggestions for this spunky little chestnut mare, that’d be very helpful.

I have a headache. Fuck.

I blocked the first 22 pages of the show I’m assistant directing! I have to have the who,e show blocked by next Friday which will be pretty easy.

I’m pretty stressed and I think the headache is just a stress headache. Or a migraine coming on.

I have homework. And a project due tomorrow. This weekend has been going great, don’t you agree?

Ugh I’m hungry.

 

 

AH i don’t know what to write about

um um um so hello my name is Juliette and i’m not dead

woahhhhh

so i’m just gonna update you on what’s been going on with me lately bc you followed me for my *amazing* content that’s all about me so enjoy. (((i swear i’m not as narcissistic as i’m making myself seem)))

so i got my braces off! my teeth are very straight (unlike me) and i’m v happy with them!

i’m assistant directing a show! we’re doing yo ho ho a pirates christmas in my acting group and i got to help cast it and i’m blocking and choreographing every part of it. it’s stressful and harder than i thought but it’s been really fun so far.

Stella and her boyfriend broke up 4 days ago. if you don’t know who Stella is bc you’re new or you just don’t remember, i’ll fill you in. basically i fell in love with her as i was getting out of my relationship with my toxic ex Alaska whom i hate very much. Stella is small and beautiful and sweet and great. i told her how i felt about her last January and she didn’t feel the same so we fell out of touch and being friends. recently we’ve become friends again. anyways, the reason i’m telling you this is because probably a week before they broke up Stella came to me and we had a meaningful conversation. this is how it went:

Stella: “i’ve been feeling really lost lately.”

Juliette: “hmm? what do you mean?”

Stella: “i don’t know, i’m kinda just like do i even like guys?”

Juliette: *gives her a look, you know the look*

Stella: “but like i have a boyfriend!” *kind of laughs*

Juliette: “well i’m always here if you want to talk about stuff, you know that. i’m sure you’ll find your way through this.”

then her mom came to pick her up so she left.

why am i telling you about this you ask?

because why would she tell me she thought she only liked girls now ESPECIALLY WHEN we JUST started talking again and then like a week later break up with her boyfriend. does she like me? does she just think nothing happened between us? that she didn’t ignore me for weeks after i told her how i felt about her the first time? does she just confide in me? i’m confused!!!!!!!!!!! hfodngaioewaipfeawf ugh why is this happening.

okay next thing: i don’t think i like Ali anymore. she has a lot of drama circulating around her and never really lets me talk about my issues. i feel like i’m always there for her but i can’t count on her when i’m in a time of need. which sucks. but we’re still friends.

a new boy joined the acting troop i assistant direct last night. he was tall and cute and really funny. he automatically fit right in with the group. we had 2 unintentional staring contests. i think he was flirting with me? so i was simply reciprocating. or attempting to. he was very mysterious but opened up to me and had an honest conversation after knowing each other for barely 2 hours about anxiety and stuff. during one of our staring “contests” i’m guessing people noticed so Ali yelled “THAT’S INTIMATE” and we laughed and broke out of it and started rehearsing again. i think he’s very cute.

i haven’t had feelings for a boy in so long. what the hell.

i’m not thinking much of it though, we just met and i might just be infatuated with him.

did i mention he plays piano? i found that out because of this lovely snippet from one of our conversations:

Him: “no i don’t really sing and i don’t like it. i only make music with my fingers.”

Me: “…um what?” *kind of laughs bc i was too in love with his eyes and didn’t think about the possibility of him playing piano…. idiot…

Him: “i play piano.”

Me: “OHHHHHHH ya see that makes more sense…”

and then we kissed and fell in love and lived happily ever after. just kidding.

but he’s really cool. i’m not gonna share his name bc that would invade his privacy, not that you’d ever find him. i’m not gonna give him a fake one either bc idk if i’ll ever talk about him again. if i do i’ll name him but for now he’s just “him” and “new boy i’m falling in love with” ew cringe.

in the spring my acting group is doing beauty and the beast! i’m so fucking excited because it’s my favorite show and Belle is my absolute dream role. i love her songs and i love the dancing and the romance and ugh the show is just amazing. i’m not 100% sure i’ll get Belle but i’m pretty sure…. i hope so at least.

back to the Stella thing, i was facetiming Penny asking for advice about it. she asked me, “well if she were to ask you out, what would you say?”

i pondered for a little while and then came up with an answer.

“i honestly don’t know, Penny. i don’t like her right now, i know that for sure. but she was basically my first love. i think that there will always be a spark between us and there will always be love in my heart for her. i think i might say yes because my feelings could come back if she asked me, but i don’t know if it would be healthiest for me to. i would probably say yes because i physically can’t say no, especially to someone i used to be in love with. but i really don’t know.”

i am a confused little human being.

i started working with a new project horse the other day. she’s small and cute but needs a lot of work. she has so much potential but has been ridden so badly that she is such a brat and bad horse to be ridden. except for when i ride her. i know that sounds so narcissistic but she was very good for me. probably because i’m a good rider. she has her flaws, but in time she will become an amazing horse. she just needs a lot of work and training.

i’m pretty happy in life right now. except for my anxiety attacks which are coming out of nowhere.

i hope you’re all doing well. sorry this was a bit long.

all my love,

Juliette

 

 

I’m back :)

I took a nice long break but I’m back and plan on continue blogging!

Updates: I’m still very depressed and very gay. My depression and anxiety have gotten so much worse. I have anxiety attacks so often and I really don’t know what to do about it/ It’s scary.

I think I’m in love with Ali. But she’d never love me back.

I’m struggling a lot lot lot in school but it’s okay I guess.

Penny came home to visit! It was really nice to see her. We hung out and idk it was just really nice. It made me realize how much I miss her.

I’m seeing a broadway show in a week. I’m also getting my braces off in a week! And my birthday is like 2 months away!

If anyone could help me feel happy that’d be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

i’m typing with 1 hand bc i broke my finger

at camp we were playing volleyball and im competitive AF so i dived to get the ball and it it over. i got it over the net but i tripped in the process and smacked my left hand on the ground to catch myself and my pinkie got smashed. so yea that’s fun.

besides that nothing exciting happened. i’m eating a cliff bar right now.

sorry i’m really boring.

i love shane dawson he’s amazing and i love him and ryland together.

i’m skyping my friend jane i love her she’s so funny.

sorry this post is boring i have no ideas to write about today at all.

ali’s pretty cool. yep.

bye guys lol

-juliette

 

 

AH feelings why

I really like someone! I’ve been developing a crush on them for the past couple weeks but didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t know if it was a real crush or not but I really like her.

It’s Ali.

She’s going into 9th grade and she’s really funny and cute and just a really nice sweet good person.

We went to the Renaissance Faire together with our acting group yesterday and it was a really fun day. We all wore old timey renaissance clothes from our costume bins and it was really fun. Except for the fact that I got a blister on my right ankle. Oh well. It was really fun and we took a lot of pictures. If only you were following my Instagram. Me and Ali posed under the kissing bridge and took pictures and it was cool.

Then me and Ali had a sleepover at Hanna’s house and got drunk while Hanna was sleeping. It was really fun. We were just taking random shots such as vodka, sherry (idfk why it was nasty), gin, kahlula (idk how to spell it but it was so good).

I just really like Ali, she’s great.

I went to a go kart track today and it was really fun. I want to ask Ali out but she has a girlfriend. Even though they’re long distance I don’t want to get involved in the drama. I may tell her her how I feel just to get it off my chest but idk.

Sorry for the short post I don’t really have anything interesting to talk about. I’m seeing my friend that I haven’t seen in a while soon. I’m excited for school to start.

Yea that’s about it.

-Juliette

Girls, girls, girls. (aka me coming out of the closet)

I thought of posting this idea last night but was too tired to write it all out so I’m doing it now. This post is going to be about my gayness and my experiences and stuff so if you don’t like that then just don’t read it because it’s my blog and I don’t care what you think.

So in the beginning of 8th grade I stopped having crushes. I used to have crushes on boys like the typical young girl but in 8th grade they stopped. I didn’t really think anything of it because you don’t have to have a crush on someone every 2 seconds, ya know? Around the time of December I started to joke/question to myself if I was gay. It was kind of a fear, I don’t know how to explain it. I couldn’t stop thinking “am I gay?” “what if I’m gay?”. I tried to push it out of my mind because I knew/thought I was straight and just going through a crush-less time.

Then some time in February (surprise surprise), I fell in love with my best friend (at the time) Talia. She was short and had a pixie cut with blue hair dye. She was really beautiful and wasn’t afraid to be herself. I liked her until July. We would always joke that we were dating and married whenever people would ask us. If someone told us we should go out together we would laugh and say we already were dating. We had a very spark-ful relationship. We’re still really close. It’s funny actually. We were talking a couple months ago about love and romance and I told her that she was my first girl crush and she told me she had liked me too at that time. It’s funny how things work like that. We laugh about it now because we’ve changed so much since then.

My first relationship was actual hell. Alaska. I met her in May because we were doing a show together in our school. She introduced herself by saying, “Hi I’m Alaska do you want some Cheese-its?”. She offered me food so we obviously got along very well. After about a month she started developing feelings for me. I still was in love with Talia at this point but Alaska didn’t know this. I honest to god had no interest in being with Alaska but I’m terrible at saying no. She asked me out on July 20th and I said sure because as you know I literally can’t say no. She was really mentally abusive and mean to me and was cheating on me basically the whole time. We were together for about 2 months and I ended things because my mental health had completely plummeted and well, she was cheating on me. I also had developed a crush on someone else but that’s not really the point. She fucked me up so badly and honestly I’m still recovering because I did eventually start to really fall for her in our relationship. She keeps trying to re enter my life and tells me she loves me. I have her blocked on every social media. I do not want to speak to her ever again.

Stella. I was in so deep with her. I was legitimately in love with her. Since the end of September to February I only had eyes for her. She was also short and had short hair, but hers was just brown. We automatically had great chemistry. The first time we met was in the cafeteria on the first day of school. She was sitting at a table that was full of people who were soon to become my closest friends. I was sitting with this girl Aurora who was on her computer the whole time. She doesn’t really have any friends and neither did I so I guess it made sense. In the middle of lunch Stella and I randomly locked eyes and she mouthed “come sit with us!”. I mouthed back, “there’s no room!”. She then mouthed, “you can sit on my lap!”. And I did. That was our first encounter. I’ll never forget it. Stella is all I aspire to be. She is confident and doesn’t give any fucks about what people think about her. I eventually told her how I felt because I thought she felt the same way. Unfortunately she didn’t but it gave me a boost of confidence. I felt like I could do anything because I got over my biggest fear; telling someone how I felt about them. About 2 weeks after I told her how I felt, she got a boyfriend. But it was a good experience. I learned a lot from her. I still love her so much. Not romantically, but just as a human being. We don’t really talk much anymore but I hope we reconnect when school restarts again.

Since then I haven’t really liked anyone. I think it’s because I don’t really love myself and I don’t know how to love. I know how to fall in deep and never escape but I don’t know. It’s hard. I’ve kind of just been floating by in my own little bubble. It’s alright.

I met this really cute girl who worked at the roller skating place yesterday. She was adorable. She was short and had a nose piercing and short hair. I think I’m seeing a trend.

Besides being hopelessly in love with Bex Taylor Klaus, I’m so single and I’m fine with it. I don’t want to be in a relationship just to be in one. I want to be in one with someone I want to be with. Which currently is nobody, so I’m okay.

I don’t really know what the point of this post was. I think I made it to showcase my gay journey. Idk. But that’s my past.

Also, I’m not a lesbian and I’m not straight. I’m Juliette. I don’t know how to identify myself just yet, so why should I have to? Why should I ever have to? It’s my life. I’m just me and I love who I love. It shouldn’t matter to anyone else how I (and anyone esle) labels themselves.

Don’t be afraid to be you. That’s all I have to say.

 

I can’t roller skate to save my life.

I went roller skating today with my camp and it was really fun! Even though I sucked absolute ass and fell like 20 thousand times.

We went to this place that was probably an hour away and the whole bus ride we were blasting all kinds of songs, throwbacks and pop songs and romantic songs. Me and one of my best friends Adriana sat together and we were fantasizing about these two boys in our group and how we think they’re gay and dating each other or they like each other. They really act like they’re dating. For example, they’re really touchy feely. They are always touching one another in some sort of way (not that way get your mind out of the gutter). They were holding hands at the aquarium 2 weeks ago and when one of them fell while skating today the other one grabbed his waist to make sure he didn’t fall. They’re so cute I really hope they’re secretly in love. Me and Adriana are writing a fanfiction about them. Okay that sounds really creepy but ya know we’re not the most normal people out there.

So you see the thing is that since I’m so single and always will be I fantasize about my friends being together.

But there was a really cute girl working at the roller rink. She was shorter than me and had short hair and a nose piercing and was just really cute! She was probably like 16 or 17. Too bad I may not ever see her again. I’m so gay wtf.

So I’m lactose intolerant and have like a huge dairy issue apparently. It’s been happening for the past few months. My dad is also lactose intolerant. Whenever I eat some sort of dairy I get sick and can’t leave the bathroom. I get terrible stomach aches to the point where I can’t even move. TMI? I think so. It sucks though I love ice cream and milk and cream cheese and butter. But it’s not worth feeling really sick and terrible afterwards.

I’m basically a vegan now because I barely eat meat.

I want to be on Broadway in the future. It’s always been a pipe dream of mine but I actually really want it to come true. Performing is my life. But it’s probably impossible.

You know what else is impossible? Me being straight.

I’ve been having a good past couple of days minus the whole dairy thing. Just thought I’d share.

How have you guys been?

-Juliette S