10:29 pm, july 30th 2017.
my therapist was introducing me to the idea of antidepressants. i then told her that i didn’t really know much about them and that my mom didn’t like the idea of them and she immediately dropped the subject and wouldn’t bring it up again.
my mom works in the department of public health. she always says that medication is terrible for adolescent brains because they aren’t fully developed until they’re 25. she thinks they’ll just ruin the development of my brain ((although my brain is already fucked on it’s own)).
i don’t know a lot about them. two of my friends are on them (zoloft i think? idk) and they’ve helped them a lot. my old creep of a therapist (a story for another time) said i should be on antidepressants and gave me a list of psychiatrists to give to my mom. my mom threw them out and told me that they’d “fuck up my brain and i didn’t need them”.
i don’t have an opinion on them if i’m honest. but i know i want to feel better. i want this to stop and that absolutely nothing else is working. my old therapist adam gave me this DBT book and told me to read it and do some of the activities. i threw it under my bead and never even opened it. my new therapist jen gave me some dumb ass shit called modules and told me to do some and see if they work. i did 3/5 and they didn’t help or have any effect on me. i was reading shit i already knew. i told her they didn’t do shit and she said ok we can try something else. she was telling me to get out of bed and do stuff.
why do you think that just because you told me to get out of bed and do stuff means that i’m gonna get out of bed and do stuff?
so i told her
there’s no way in hell i’m gonna do things. i physically can’t get out of bed in the morning to do anything. it takes me 7 hours to get out of bed and go to my friend Hanna’s house and i love going to her house. i hate doing anything. i don’t like leaving my room.
the only thing i like is cutting. it gives me a sense of control and release.
my mom was telling me today: “you just need to get out of your own head and do things and talk to people.”
ah yes, because it’s so easy to do that.
i literally hate every inch of my being and want to die. and my mom doesn’t think i need antidepressants.
look guys. i’m not saying, “give me the drugs that’s the only way i’ll survive”. but i’m dying. i have nothing. nothing has been working on me, no dumb ass motivational techniques work on me. nothing.
i’m willing to do more research on antidepressants. i’ll do whatever it takes to help myself.
it’s not easy.
it’s really hard.