I thought of posting this idea last night but was too tired to write it all out so I’m doing it now. This post is going to be about my gayness and my experiences and stuff so if you don’t like that then just don’t read it because it’s my blog and I don’t care what you think.

So in the beginning of 8th grade I stopped having crushes. I used to have crushes on boys like the typical young girl but in 8th grade they stopped. I didn’t really think anything of it because you don’t have to have a crush on someone every 2 seconds, ya know? Around the time of December I started to joke/question to myself if I was gay. It was kind of a fear, I don’t know how to explain it. I couldn’t stop thinking “am I gay?” “what if I’m gay?”. I tried to push it out of my mind because I knew/thought I was straight and just going through a crush-less time.

Then some time in February (surprise surprise), I fell in love with my best friend (at the time) Talia. She was short and had a pixie cut with blue hair dye. She was really beautiful and wasn’t afraid to be herself. I liked her until July. We would always joke that we were dating and married whenever people would ask us. If someone told us we should go out together we would laugh and say we already were dating. We had a very spark-ful relationship. We’re still really close. It’s funny actually. We were talking a couple months ago about love and romance and I told her that she was my first girl crush and she told me she had liked me too at that time. It’s funny how things work like that. We laugh about it now because we’ve changed so much since then.

My first relationship was actual hell. Alaska. I met her in May because we were doing a show together in our school. She introduced herself by saying, “Hi I’m Alaska do you want some Cheese-its?”. She offered me food so we obviously got along very well. After about a month she started developing feelings for me. I still was in love with Talia at this point but Alaska didn’t know this. I honest to god had no interest in being with Alaska but I’m terrible at saying no. She asked me out on July 20th and I said sure because as you know I literally can’t say no. She was really mentally abusive and mean to me and was cheating on me basically the whole time. We were together for about 2 months and I ended things because my mental health had completely plummeted and well, she was cheating on me. I also had developed a crush on someone else but that’s not really the point. She fucked me up so badly and honestly I’m still recovering because I did eventually start to really fall for her in our relationship. She keeps trying to re enter my life and tells me she loves me. I have her blocked on every social media. I do not want to speak to her ever again.

Stella. I was in so deep with her. I was legitimately in love with her. Since the end of September to February I only had eyes for her. She was also short and had short hair, but hers was just brown. We automatically had great chemistry. The first time we met was in the cafeteria on the first day of school. She was sitting at a table that was full of people who were soon to become my closest friends. I was sitting with this girl Aurora who was on her computer the whole time. She doesn’t really have any friends and neither did I so I guess it made sense. In the middle of lunch Stella and I randomly locked eyes and she mouthed “come sit with us!”. I mouthed back, “there’s no room!”. She then mouthed, “you can sit on my lap!”. And I did. That was our first encounter. I’ll never forget it. Stella is all I aspire to be. She is confident and doesn’t give any fucks about what people think about her. I eventually told her how I felt because I thought she felt the same way. Unfortunately she didn’t but it gave me a boost of confidence. I felt like I could do anything because I got over my biggest fear; telling someone how I felt about them. About 2 weeks after I told her how I felt, she got a boyfriend. But it was a good experience. I learned a lot from her. I still love her so much. Not romantically, but just as a human being. We don’t really talk much anymore but I hope we reconnect when school restarts again.

Since then I haven’t really liked anyone. I think it’s because I don’t really love myself and I don’t know how to love. I know how to fall in deep and never escape but I don’t know. It’s hard. I’ve kind of just been floating by in my own little bubble. It’s alright.

I met this really cute girl who worked at the roller skating place yesterday. She was adorable. She was short and had a nose piercing and short hair. I think I’m seeing a trend.

Besides being hopelessly in love with Bex Taylor Klaus, I’m so single and I’m fine with it. I don’t want to be in a relationship just to be in one. I want to be in one with someone I want to be with. Which currently is nobody, so I’m okay.

I don’t really know what the point of this post was. I think I made it to showcase my gay journey. Idk. But that’s my past.

Also, I’m not a lesbian and I’m not straight. I’m Juliette. I don’t know how to identify myself just yet, so why should I have to? Why should I ever have to? It’s my life. I’m just me and I love who I love. It shouldn’t matter to anyone else how I (and anyone esle) labels themselves.

Don’t be afraid to be you. That’s all I have to say.

 

One thought on “Girls, girls, girls. (aka me coming out of the closet)

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