“I have no idea.”

A lot of people ask me, “Juliette, what do you want to do when you grow up?”, but not in the child way. I’m about to be a sophomore in high school, and it’s gonna fly by. I’ll be in college soon enough, and then I’ll be out of college and onto life. If I make it that far.

That is an absolutely terrifying thing to think about. I have no idea what I want to do when I’m a grown up. I know, all of you are thinking that I don’t need to worry about it and that I have time to think about it, but I really don’t have that much.

I haven’t thought about it in a while. I don’t know, thinking about the future has always made me feel numb because I don’t think I’ll make it to my future. I know that sounds super sad, but at this point in my life I’m not so sure. It’s not getting better. It hasn’t changed and it’s not going to.

I especially know that you can live with pain. You can live with a broken foot, a broken leg, a concussion, a pulled muscle. You can even live with depression, schizophrenia, and anorexia. You can live through anything … until it becomes too much.

Every human has a breaking point. That’s natural in life. They hit rock bottom. The lucky ones climb back up again and make their way back to the top. I don’t think I’m so lucky. I’ve broken down a lot. But I don’t ever think I’ve actually hit rock bottom. Things are always able to get worse, especially when you think they can’t. That’s life. Each human’s breaking point is different. Some can handle more than others. I don’t know how much more I can handle.

I’ve been through a lot. I have been depressed for almost 2 years now. I don’t eat. I broke my foot. My parents don’t listen to me or believe me whenever I try to talk to them. It sucks.

But helping others helps me. I like helping others when they are going through hard times. I like listening to what people have to say and I like being an emotional rock. It kind of helps me. If anyone needs someone to talk to, I’m here for you.

So no, I don’t know what I’m going to do in the future. I don’t even know if I’ll make it to the future. I’m struggling really bad. I’m trying to be happy and I’m trying to push through but it’s just not working. Hopefully I make it.

Thank you for all of the love.

-Juliette

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I’m dying.

I am so fucking depressed.

I want to die.

I’m done. Exhausted. Blown out. Finished.

Nothing helps, nothing is working.

I don’t eat. I’m too fat to eat. I’m 5’7″ and 127 lbs. I’m huge. I haven’t eaten in days. I just want to die. Nobody loves me or cares about me. It’d be easier if I died, then people wouldn’t have to worry anymore.

I cut myself every single day. I want out. Nobody understands.

My dad’s barely involved in my life because he’s so damn busy. My mom thinks I feel this way because of my period and adolescence. Nobody actually cares. Nobody cares until you’re dead. That’s when they start to care, after you’re gone and they don’t actually have to worry about you.

My friend Hanna once asked me, “why do you even cut?”

I don’t know Han, why do I cut myself? Maybe it’s because nobody gives a single shit about me. Nobody would care if I died. Maybe it’s because I’m so fucking exhausted of life and I just want it to end. I’m so fucking done. I’m tired of all of this bullshit.

My sister Penny is leaving for college soon. She’s the only one who cares about me. But she’s leaving. I won’t have anyone after she’s gone. She’ll be caught up with college and I’ll be stuck here, wanting to die every second of my life. Unless I end it right now. Then I would be fine. I wouldn’t have to worry about people leaving me because I wouldn’t be here to witness it.

I just want to die.

Somebody help me.

-Juliette Maya Sorrano

I could’ve died today.

I’m giving up on tracking days. Sorry.

Also sorry for not posting, I forgot if I’m being honest. I just didn’t have time. I’m back though.

So today I was almost in a freak horse accident. I rode Nicky (my horse) twice today. Once in the morning, and then again in the afternoon. I had some work to do around the barn so I just stayed and rode twice. It wasn’t too hot. In the morning she was an absolute angel. I’m teaching her how to do leg yields and she’s really catching onto everything I’m trying to teach her. I ate lunch after and hung out with some barn friends. We decided to set up a cross country course in one of our fields and do that for our afternoon ride. Nicky was getting a bit antsy the first time we did it all together. She bucked once and was just going really fast. That was fun though because she just gets really excited. I did it alone and she was galloping all over and bucking and rearing because she was so excited. She galloped up the hill full speed and there was no stopping her. She was bucking and rearing and finally reared up so big that she fell backwards. She didn’t land on me. She landed almost on top of me. But somehow avoided landing on me. It was the most terrifying riding experience of my life. It was the most terrifying experience of my life in general.

Now don’t give me shit about not being able to control my horse. I can control her. She just gets very excited when we do cross country and we hadn’t done it in a while. I usually also lunge her before every ride to get her energy and bucks out but there was no time to because it was about to rain. She is an off-the-track 5 year old thoroughbred. A baby. A green baby. Sometimes she gets excited. Everyone has their moments. Some are more dangerous than others. I’m lucky I’m here writing this right now.

I’m not writing this post so you feel bad for me. I don’t want you too, I’m fine. My back hurts so badly and I’m a little shaken up, but I’m okay. I’m writing this because what happened to me was a huge reality check. Let me explain.

A lot of the time, if you’ve been riding for a while like me, you start to take things for granted. Not in a spoiled way, but just in a forgetful way. We sometimes forget how much our horses do for us and how they can literally kill us in 2 seconds but don’t. We forget that there are so many people who want to ride horses but can’t for many different reasons. We forget that they’re actually live animals with minds of their own. It’s a reminder to always pay attention and to always be in your best mindset while riding a horse. It’s a reminder to not push yourself to do things if you’re not completely comfortable with doing them.

I am so thankful that what happened today didn’t end up being something much worse. If she had landed about 5 inches to the right, I would probably be dead right now. She would’ve crushed my skull and I wouldn’t be alive. Or I would be in a coma, unconcious at the hospital. I am so thankful that today went the way it went. Hell fucking yeah it was terrifying and I wish it hadn’t happened all together. But since it did, I’m glad it went the way it did. I landed on my back obviously so it hurts a lot lot lot. I went to the ER just to make sure it wasn’t fractured or broken. I just have a bunch of scrapes and bruises. I’m not broken, thank the great god above. I’m just so thankful that it wasn’t something worse because it could’ve been, easily.

I’m not mad at Nicky, and I’m not selling her either, if you were wondering. She got excited. She’s an animal. Things happen, and I’m alright. Horses are wild. People are going to fall off and get hurt. Things aren’t going to go perfect every time you ride. Shit happens. I don’t blame Nicky. I don’t blame anyone. It was an accident. Why would I sell my horse, the love of my life, my sanity, because of one accident? Sure, we’ve had other bad falls. I’ve fallen off more times than I can count. She’s had injuries aswell from falling/tripping or just because she has bad feet. But I love her more than anything. I trust her with my whole life. Why would I sell her? She’s the best thing I’ve ever had.

My parents don’t trust her. They never have, because she’s big and because of everything that’s happened with us. They want me to get rid of her. But there’s no way in hell.

I just wanted to come on here and say you can’t take things for granted. Whether it’s horseback riding or something else. Take what just happened to me. I could’ve died. But I didn’t. You have to really pay attention to everything and just trust that life will lead you to the right place. You also have to realize that bad things will happen. Life isn’t peachy keen. It’s scary and ugly and dangerous. But that’s life.

Thank you for listening.

-Juliette

Day 6: I finally did something!

I did stuff today guys! Are you proud of me? My dad and I went to a shopping outlet, which is basically an outdoor mall with a bunch of outlets where everything is cheaper than it would be if you were in the actual store. It was super fun, we just got to hang out and walk around and eat food and shop. I only bought one thing, a white polo t-shirt, because I’m going back again tomorrow with my mom to get a summer wardrobe. It’s odd going clothes shopping with my dad, and it was a trip for him anyways. The reason I bought a white polo t-shirt is because I’m on my barn’s drill team and we do performances all over our state and we compete and our dress code is a white polo, tan breeches, and other things supplied by the team manager person. I never got around to getting a white polo so I used a white t-shirt but since there was an opportunity to get one I just scooped it up.

I got a crepe at one of the food stands and it was really windy. I ate about half of it and then it fell on the ground! It was very sad. But then we went to Starbucks and I got s strawberry acai refresher. It was so good, it’s my favorite drink there.

Penny (my sister) dyed her hair today! It was a light brown and she dyed it to a teal/turquoisey blue. It looks so good on her, I love it so much.

I went driving with my mom again, but this time my twin brother came with us. We took turns driving and we were being really dumb and rowdy and trying to compete with each other and my mom got mad because we were just going fast and being dumb. We were being safe though, nobody went over 20mph lmao. I love driving.

I didn’t get to see Nicky today because I was super busy with my dad but I’m seeing her tomorrow so all is good.

I ate pizza today. It was good.

I’m about to blow all my money (not really but i’m gonna spend quite a bit) on the Ogilvy Jumper Half Pad, some sport boots from horze.com, and other necessities. That’ll be fun. I love buying things.

I have a physical tomorrow, then I’m going shopping with my mom. That’ll be fun. Why do I say that so much? I have a problem. Anyways…

how was your guy’s day? I feel like my blogs are really boring. Sorry.

-Juliette

Day 5: More driving and more online shopping

Hello lovely people of the interwebs! ew that was cringy.

Anyways, how’s your day going? Let me know by commenting or emailing me! 🙂

So today was pretty boring again but I’ll try to spice up this post so it’ll be more interesting. I basically did what I did yesterday. I drove with my mom again and did some more online shopping and watched more Netflix.

My mom has this big minivan and that’s obviously what I drove. I turned and did U-turns and I backed up today! Wow, so exciting! Did you smell that sarcasm? Yeah my life is pretty boring. Anyways it was hard to tell how much to backup because the car is so big, but it’ll get easier with more practice. I love driving, it’s fun and I’m good at it. I can’t wait to get my license. And a car! I can’t wait to get a car.

So people get mad when they realize I have my own horse. They get mad when they hear about me having a horse and all of this nice expensive tack and shit. What they don’t know is I bought everything myself. Well, technically not everything, but most of everything. I work my ass off working at barns and mucking out stalls for money. I’ve always been a saver, not a spender. My money has added up over the years. I bought Nicky from a rescue, she was $700. I bought my saddle. I buy my horses food, all of my necessities for Nicky such as horseshoes, grooming tools, hoof treatment. I pay for farrier, dentist and vet visits. I have a job. I got my bridle for Christmas a couple years ago. You can think I’m lying, go ahead. My parents also pay for a lot of the stuff I have, and I’m very grateful for that. I’m not some spoiled rich bitch. I work hard for my money and so do my parents. Enough said.

I’m about to order stuff online for Nicky. I’ve been looking into these Protec Advanced Sport Boots from Horze.com. I don’t remember if I mentioned that or not. I also need a gel half pad because my saddle kind of rubs on her back. I need a pair of bell boots for her too because she likes to throw her shoes and bell boots out in the pasture help keep shoes on, and she overreaches so those will help. There’s always just stuff I need from Dover. Not need specifically, but want, like new breeches and polo shirts and nice riding apparel. Lmao I just like spending money on things I love and know will be good. Don’t hate me.

I watched Netflix again today. So amazing, right? I’m rewatching season 3 of OITNB. If you have any shows you recommend that are on Netflix let me know! I’m always looking for new shows.

I was going to go to Alaska’s house today to go swimming and hang out but my parents said no. They think that her parents give me alcohol and they don’t want me over there. I really don’t understand it, because they do drink but they’ve never ever offered me anything. They’re great people.

Me and Hanna were gonna go to Pride this Sunday but the dentist is coming to float Nicky’s teeth so I have to be there, I also just need to work with her and get her into shape again and really start to develop a routine.

By the way, I’ve had Nicky for almost 2 years. I got her when she was 3 from the rescue. The anniversary of me rescuing her is August 7th, 2015. She makes my life complete. Even though she’s insane and has her moments, she’s the best thing to ever happen to me. I love her more than anything. I can do a whole blog post dedicated to her if you want, just let me know!

So as you can see my day was really boring. How was yours?

Much love to y’all.

-Juliette

 

Day 4: A whole lot of boring

It’s summer vacation, obviously. So I’m bored as hell with nothing to do. I basically sit at home all day doing nothing but go on my computer, but I still want to write these blogs for you guys and for myself. I like doing them, even if they’re super boring and nobody reads them.

Today, 2 of my friends in 8th grade had their “graduation” ceremony thing. After it, we all took pictures together. I did a lot of online window shopping for my horse because I’m always needing new shit and I’m addicted to buying things for my horse. She just deserves the world.

I went to my friend Gray’s house and we played video games for 2 hours. Then I went to Ali’s house, my 8th grade friend’s place and helped her and Hanna (my other 8th grade friend) get ready for their graduation semi-formal. I did Hanna’s makeup, it was fun. We took pictures down at our river and then dropped them off at the church where the dance was. I think they’re still there, or it might have just ended. I love them, they’re so cute and young.

I didn’t get to see Nicky today because I can’t drive yet and I didn’t have a ride down to my barn. I’m probably going tomorrow though.

I barely talked to Alaska today. We texted for like 2 minutes. She probably doesn’t even remember that it would’ve been our 11 month today. Oh well.

On Thursday I’m sleeping over at my friend Sophie’s house. My friends Stella and Layla will be there too. She has a pool. It’ll be fun. I love swimming.

My mom took me out and gave me a driving lesson today. My riding instructor’s son has been teaching me to drive since I was 12. I love driving it’s very fun and I’m good at it. I can’t wait to get a car. I want a white Jeep Patriot. They’re so gorgeous. And you can hook up a horse trailer to it, which is quite useful.

I know these posts are short but my days have been boring recently, sorry guys. I want some interesting things to happen so I can post about them. Anyways I’m hungry, I’m gonna go eat something and go to bed. I’ve been going to bed very early recently, I don’t know why.

Good night guys! Or morning, wherever you are.

-Juliette

Day 3: yikes

Today was very boring. I layed in bed all day watching Orange Is The New Black and YouTube videos. I literally have no friends so I did nothing. Typical summer vacation for Juliette. It’s great.

About half an hour ago my mom burst into my room all annoyed saying I needed to empty my laundry basket and that I needed to go to the store with her or else she wouldn’t buy milk. I was very confused. So I go to the store with her, by the way we’re having like a flash flood so it was down pouring. We get to the store and she’s like “do you want sushi? Oh hold on let me look at these really quick. Okay we can go now. Juliette stop come on. Have you made plans with any friends for this week? Why not?” I was getting really annoyed because she dragged me out of bed to come to the fucking store for no reason but to annoy me. Then she started yelling at me in the car because “she wanted to help me because i’m in a bad mood but i’m just being rude to her”. Sorry I just want to stay home and die.

She’s so fucking annoying, shit man.

Alaska and I were gonna hang out again but it was raining cats and dogs and shit so we couldn’t. We made plans for tomorrow but then her grandma was like “We have to go out for lunch” so we can’t hang out tomorrow either. Great.

Oh, also did I mention that if Alaska and I were still dating it would be our 11 month anniversary tomorrow?

Yeah, that’s a thing. A depressing thing. But life’s great, you know? Having nobody is this amazing feeling.

We’re making a plan to see Pirates of the Carribean together. Those will most likely go to shit though. She doesn’t care about me. Well, that’s nothing new.

If I could go back in time and change one thing, I wouldn’t have broken up with her. She was my rock, and this amazing human being. That’s not even the best part. She loved me. With all her heart. She loved me and I loved her and still do, but I let her go. I don’t even know why and I regret it so much. She says “i still love you and want to be with you” but “i have a boyfriend and i can’t break up with him”.

what do u fucking MEAN u can’t break up with him ??? It’s easy!!! just fucking DO IT.

i know what you’re thinking. Juliette, you did this yourself. YOU broke up with HER, remember? its YOUR fault.

and you’re right. It is my fault. But you don’t know me. You’ve known me for what, 3 days? Life was fucking complicated before we met. It still is.

Overall, I’d say this whole day was one big YIKES.

Anyways. I’m bored. Someone email me or something. I would post my number so you can text me but that’s a little… not safe.

Bye folks.

-Juliette

 

Day 2: A stolen beer, an angry horse, and sexual tension.

So. It’s day 2 of my blog post things. This post is gonna be about last night and today btw. Let’s jump right in.

Last night I went to my friend’s sweet 16 birthday party, she’s SPED by the way. She’s super nice though. Anyways it was at her house and I was hanging out with my friend Naomi the whole time. We really wanted to get drunk because we were bored, so we stole a singular bottle of beer from the cooler. We’re not the smartest. So, with our one bottle of beer, we run upstairs into the bathroom. Then I realized that we didn’t have a bottle opener so I ran downstairs, got the bottle opener, and ran back up. I popped open the bottle, ran back down to put the opener back and ran back up. We mixed root beer with it to mask the smell and it was actually pretty good. We didn’t get drunk though, I’m not a lightweight and we split the bottle. That was fun though.

Today I went to see my horse, as usual. I fed her, then rode her in the morning and she was really angry and stubborn because of the heat. She would randomly stop after walking like 10 feet. I worked with her for like 3 hours, then got off and fed her again. She’s usually such a sweetie but doesn’t like intense weather, like rain or immense heat. Then in the afternoon I worked with my old trainer’s horse because he hasn’t been worked in a while and he was a fireball, he was galloping all around and being crazy. It was fun though.

Then I went out to dinner with my family because it’s Father’s Day. It was pretty boring but the food was good.

After dinner I went to Alaska’s to hang out. We were gonna go swimming but then it started raining 😦 so we just stayed inside and watched Netflix. She’s so cute and perfect. I love her. We were watching Riverdale and didn’t want to talk out loud because her whole family was like in the other room so we were texting and there was so much sexual tension building up, you could sense it if you walked into the room. I’m not just saying that, it was pretty heated. I had to leave because my mom wanted me home, but we kept texting and were until about 10 minutes ago. I love her so much it’s crazy. It’s so odd, how much love you can have for one person.

Anyways, that was my last day and a half. How was yours? I’m just watching OITNB now, I have nothing to do, I’m about to fall asleep. I’m exhausted. Much love to you all. I’ll upload a picture of Nicky sometime so you can see my beautiful girl.

Good night! Or morning, or afternoon, wherever you are.

-Juliette Sorrano

My first ever blog post. Ever.

Hello to whoever ends up reading this, if anyone! I’m Juliette, but if you wanna get really specific, I’m Juliette Maya Sorrano. I’m 14 years old, just a wee little one. I’m basically a sophomore in high school, I just finished freshman year. I took my last final yesterday actually. I started a blog for many reasons. I wanted somewhere to vent and write whatever I wanted where nobody would find it. Obviously people are going to find it, but it’s gonna be way harder to find than a journal laying around my bedroom. I love horseback riding and I have my own horse named Nicky. I love her more than anything. I’m bisexual. Kind of. I don’t know how to represent myself. I know I like girls, but I’m not sure if I still like boys because I used to have crushes on them, but I haven’t in a while. So I call myself bisexual. I’m probably just super gay though, if I’m being honest.

I went through hell this past year. I lost my best friend, she completely turned on me. I had nobody. I was super sad and alone and that’s when I started to plummet. I was always bullied for something as a child, so I never really had friends to begin with. But I lost the best thing I ever had. It was a very hard time. I crawled back up though. I met new people and started to learn more about myself, such as my sexuality. I met the most amazing girl, her name is Alaska. She was mysterious and loving and funny and so beautiful. We started dating in July of 2016. We lasted about 2 months, and I ended things. I honestly don’t know why. I felt insecure about myself. I got really sad again after I broke up with her, because we stopped talking. Christmas came and went, and so did my birthday, which is December 27th. Alaska and I fell back into talking. Then we fell out again. Then we fell back in. Then we fell back out again. We have a toxic relationship, if I’m being honest. We’re bad for each other, but also the best thing the other person ever had.

January was when I started feeling suicidal and very depressed. I had literally nobody. That’s when I started hurting myself. I would cut and starve myself. My sister Penny, she’s about to be a freshman in college, started to notice I wasn’t eating and forced me to. I love her so much. But I would refuse to eat and I would hide away in my room and just hurt myself. In February I broke my foot by skiing. I could do anything for 2 months. That really sucked. I still felt really terrible and depressed. The months went by, and nobody really noticed how bad I was feeling, except for Penny. But she didn’t even know how bad it was. My parents didn’t even notice. They still don’t, even though the school social worker told them I hurt myself. Yeah, they actually don’t give a shit.

About two weeks ago Alaska and I had a really long talk on the phone. I love her. I never stopped. I want to be with her so much. She told me she still had feelings for me too. But we can’t be together because she has a boyfriend she can’t break up with because he’s been there for her for so long or some bullshit like that. But she doesn’t love him. Not the way she loves me, she said. I don’t know how to live with that. There’s absolutely nothing stopping us from getting back together. Except for her boyfriend, who’s long distance! They’ve never even met in person! I don’t really understand why she can’t break up with him.

Jump ahead two weeks, and we’re at last night. I tried to kill myself. Like actually. I started texting a crisis line, and they really helped me. Jump ahead another day, and I’m here, writing my first post for my blog, spilling my life story. My parents refuse to find me a therapist and refuse to put me on medication. They think I’m faking being depressed because it’s “a trend in kids my age”. I’m going in for a physical soon. I’ll tell my doctor how I’m feeling. I really need help. I’m suffering so much.

I need Alaska. I’m so in love with her. It’s crazy. I don’t really know how I can feel feelings like this at 14 years old. But I do. It hurts me so much because I literally can’t do anything to make us be together. I’ve done all I can.

Tomorrow, Penny (my sister) is graduating high school. I’m playing the clarinet in my school band at the ceremony. We always play “Pomp and Circumstance”. I really don’t know what I’m going to do without her once she moves out. I’m scared. I need her.

So, that was my life last year up until now. Didn’t it seem like so much fun? Anyways, sorry it was so long, I just needed to get it all out in the first post.

If you’ve read this far, maybe you’ll stick around for my future posts?

Much love to you all,

Juliette.