juliette on drugs or drunk or something! episode uno: stoned as fuck

this is the first episode of “juliette on drugs or drunk or something”. i’ll think of a better name sometime i dont really know.

i am juliette sorrano and i am stoned and i regret it. but im def going to do it again.

this isn’t the first time i’ve gotten high. i love it. but i also regret it. if i’m alone, like i am now because nobody loves me, all i have are my thoughts.

i have a sensual feeling of bliss and it warms me. but a piece of me is missing. it’s my sanity no doubt.

i love and i lose everyone and everything. my ex best friend, a girl whom i cant remember the name of now. she moved across the country to get away from me. i wonder why.

the first girl i ever fell in love with, Talia. she was beautiful and amazing and i was in love with her. i never told her and we drifted apart. i haven;t talked to her in a looong timeee. she’s as fucked up as me, i can tell you that. maybe even more.

alaska. i loved her and my paranoid anxious depressed self drove her away. she was also cheating on me, but i know its because i was just annoying and a terrible girlfriend. but i hate her, she can literally go fuck herself.

stella. oh stella. i fell for her when alaska left. technically when i left her. but she was different. she had a mind of her own. she didn’t care about what people thoguht of her. she led me on for longer than i can imagine. i finally came clean about my feeligns and she stopped talking to me. she has a boyfriend now whom i hope loves her very much, more than i could’vve. i don’t think i’ll ever truly be over stella. she’s the kind of great big beautiful love that even if you’re over them and have been for years, your heart still throbs and aches when it rains.

alaska again. salt in the wound mother fucker. she keeps coming back saying she loves me and wishes she could change her dcurrent situation and that i have to wait it out. fuck no bitch. ltierally die.

penny. my sister. i love her wth all my heart. shes my soul. but she’s leaving me. she hasnt even left me yet but i already know she has to leave and is oging to very soon. which hurts evn more.

the one thing that hasn’t left are my razors. i fell in love with them at first sight and theyve been here ever since. they make me feel in control and alive. i feel happy for a second and a half when i use them.

blame penny for my current state. no, blame penny’s stash for my current state. i’m sorry pen, i’ll repay you later i know stealing is bad.

this hurts. why do i do this. memories hurt. shouldn’t i know this by now?

bye guys.

-juliette.

 

 

 

 

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the antidepressants argument.

10:29 pm, july 30th 2017.

my therapist was introducing me to the idea of antidepressants. i then told her that i didn’t really know much about them and that my mom didn’t like the idea of them and she immediately dropped the subject and wouldn’t bring it up again.

my mom works in the department of public health. she always says that medication is terrible for adolescent brains because they aren’t fully developed until they’re 25. she thinks they’ll just ruin the development of my brain ((although my brain is already fucked on it’s own)).

i don’t know a lot about them. two of my friends are on them (zoloft i think? idk) and they’ve helped them a lot. my old creep of a therapist (a story for another time) said i should be on antidepressants and gave me a list of psychiatrists to give to my mom. my mom threw them out and told me that they’d “fuck up my brain and i didn’t need them”.

i don’t have an opinion on them if i’m honest. but i know i want to feel better. i want this to stop and that absolutely nothing else is working. my old therapist adam gave me this DBT book and told me to read it and do some of the activities. i threw it under my bead and never even opened it. my new therapist jen gave me some dumb ass shit called modules and told me to do some and see if they work. i did 3/5 and they didn’t help or have any effect on me. i was reading shit i already knew. i told her they didn’t do shit and she said ok we can try something else. she was telling me to get out of bed and do stuff.

what?

why do you think that just because you told me to get out of bed and do stuff means that i’m gonna get out of bed and do stuff?

so i told her

“ok”

there’s no way in hell i’m gonna do things. i physically can’t get out of bed in the morning to do anything. it takes me 7 hours to get out of bed and go to my friend Hanna’s house and i love going to her house. i hate doing anything. i don’t like leaving my room.

the only thing i like is cutting. it gives me a sense of control and release.

my mom was telling me today: “you just need to get out of your own head and do things and talk to people.”

ah yes, because it’s so easy to do that.

i literally hate every inch of my being and want to die. and my mom doesn’t think i need antidepressants.

look guys. i’m not saying, “give me the drugs that’s the only way i’ll survive”. but i’m dying. i have nothing. nothing has been working on me, no dumb ass motivational techniques work on me. nothing.

i’m willing to do more research on antidepressants. i’ll do whatever it takes to help myself.

it’s not easy.

it’s really hard.

-juliette

A letter to my past self loosely based around an old journal entry.

Dearest darlingest Juliette,

“My whole life, I’ve been alone. I’ve never had friends. Nobody really liked me, and I never knew why. But I was very shy. I was (and still am) an introvert, I liked spending time by myself. People made fun of me because I was different. I didn’t dress like them, I didn’t do what they liked to do. And that left me with no friends. At lunch I would eat alone and then go talk to the lunch ladies. They were the only nice people to me. I loved to sing and act. But I’m still pretty alone. I have a best friend and I love her to death. A girl is trying to turn her against me. That’s rough. I’m still very introverted. I like being alone. But I think something’s wrong with me. When I wake up in the morning to go to school, I feel physically sick. The thought of school and being made fun of everyday makes me feel nauseous and gives me headaches. I get sick when I have to go to school. I feel really deflated and I just want to cry all day. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I just don’t feel normal. I’m alone. I’m self-concious of my weight and my body and I physically hurt when I think about school and being bullied. Is there something wrong with me? I don’t enjoy things anymore. I just feel upset and sick. I just feel done, I can’t deal with it. My best friend is moving 3000 miles away and it’s just going to get worse without her. In the mornings I just cry and feel sick everyday. I act like I’m happy but I can’t deal with anything anymore. I’m just blown out. Physically and mentally. I can’t eve process. I’m alone and I probably always will be. That’s that.”

That was you a year and a half ago. What do you think of that? I know it’s kind of strange that it was almost 2 years ago. But that is how you felt. I can tell you a lot will change. Your “best friend” leaving will actually bring a lot of light into your life. Shocking, I know. You will meet new friends and reconnect with old. You will get good grades in 9th grade. You will go through heartbreak and love and more heartbreak and more love. You will be happy. You will be sad. You’ll gain confidence and lose it again. You’ll dye your hair purple. You’ll kiss some boys and some girls and to be quite frank, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. You’ll get a horse! You’ll learn to dance and sing at a baseball game and learn how to play the ukulele. You’ll finally have some bliss.

But you’ll also plummet several times. You’ll be very very sad. You’ll lose people who were once very close to you. You’ll run your mouth and get yourself into some trouble. You’ll break down. You will hurt yourself and cry yourself to sleep more times than you can count. You’ll meet a weird therapist and hate her. You’ll meet another therapist and love him but then begin to realize he was really creepy and then hate him too. You’ll wait a couple months and then meet another therapist and really begin to like her and think she’s great. You’ll have fights with your mom, your dad, your sister and your friends. You’ll lose everyone.

It’s not gonna be a joyride. It’s gonna be fucking hard. You’ll try to kill yourself. You’ll call the suicide hotline and live a bit more because a small sliver inside of you knows you have to keep trying.

Here’s a bit of advice from me to you (would it be me to me? idk). Trust yourself. Don’t be scared to venture out when you realize you’re not like everyone else. Laugh more, it’s good for you. When things go wrong, you can always find a way to fix them. Nothing’s going to get better unless you want it to. I know, but it’s the harsh truth. Reality hurts. You have to try. Nothing is going to be handed to you on a silver platter. You have to work for it. If you want it, go get it.

In a year or so, you’ll still feel sad. You’ll feel lonely and horrible and depressed. But speak up. Nobody’s gonna hear you if you don’t say anything. People around you love you, even if you don’t think they do.

Maybe in the next year or so, you’ll meet more new people and become happier. Who knows? You can’t tell what the future brings. You have to make sure you have a future. You can’t quit even when it gets super hard. After you hit rock bottom, all you can do is climb back up. I know that’s super cheesy but I know we love cheesy cliche sayings. You’ll also fall in love with a character on a TV show and the actress who plays her, and don’t let anyone tell you it’ll never work out because you can do anything you set your mind to.

Oh also, gay is okay! Liking girls is great! Who cares what anyone else thinks. Be you!

I hope you’re doing okay.

All my love,

14 (and a half) year old Juliette.

P.S. If you’re reading this, some great and powerful inventors created time travel and this got to you! How cool is that?

____________________________________________________________________________________________

If I could write a letter to my past self, that’s what I would say. What would you say?

-Juliette

 

I had a great day. BUT NOW IM SAD AND MAD

For the first time in a while, I had a great day. If you didn’t read my last post, yesterday a couple of my friends and I went to 6 Flags! We spent the whole day riding roller coasters and eating junky food and just having a great day. It was really nice to get out of my own head and have a stress free happy day. I can’t remember the last time I had one of those. We all had a great time. And it was even more awesome because we just continuously rode roller coasters and ate! How could you have a better day.

I’m almost finished with the MTV Scream series. You should definitely watch it if you have Netflix. I have like 3 more episodes and I’m very sad about it. I love the show and all of the characters, especially Audrey and Noah. They’re making a season 3 but rebooting it so there’s gonna be a whole different cast. That infuriates me, there’s no way in hell I’m watching it without Bex TK and John Karna and Carlson Young and the rest of the cast. Hanna agrees with me. She’s my best friend and we’re both Scream fanatics and refuse to watch it without our favorites. I just can’t believe it’s almost over.

The last 2 weeks of summer Hanna and I are going to my beach house! I’m so excited I just need a getaway and I love the beach and Hanna will be with me and we’re gonna eat ice cream every night and it’s gonna be great.

I think I’m a lesbian. I know I’m super young but I don’t think I like guys at all anymore. I’ve liked about 2 guys in my whole life. I know I have time to think about it and figure myself out but it just keeps weighing on my mind.

(HOURS LATER)

I FINISHED SCREAM AND I’M DEPRESSED ABOUT IT IT WAS SO GOOD AND IM SO SAD THAT I WONT SEE THE CAST ALL TOGETHER IN A SHOW AGAIN AND I CANT BELIEBE ITS OVER IT WAS AMAZING AND MY FAVORITE SHOW AND IM SO SAD THEYRE REPLACING THE CAST BUT IM SO SAD ITS OVER BUT IM SHOCKED AT HOW GOOD IT WAS

((((needless to say i’m rewatching the entire series after i get home from my acting troop tonight))))

BUT IM JUST SO SAD ITS OVER IM LITERALLY SITTING IN M ROOM CRYING ON MY BED BC ITS OVER AND UGH I LOVE THE WHOLE CAST THEYRE AMAZING AND IF THEY EVER SEE THIS I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH

i gotta go to my acting troop now byeeeee

-Juliette (is sad and miserable bc scream is over)

 

 

Hopelessly in love with Bex Taylor-Klaus

I love Bex TK so much. She’s my inspiration and she’s beautiful and an amazing actress and a wonderful wonderful human being. I love her with all my heart. She plays Audrey Jensen on MTV’s Scream btw. I want to marry her.

It’s currently 1:55 AM. My friends and I are going to Six Flags tomorrow. 2 nights ago I stayed up until 6:30 AM watching Scream. I couldn’t fall asleep, but hey I got to watch the sunrise which was pretty cool.

I cut really deep last night. I didn’t even feel it, it only felt like bliss. There’s no pain attached to cutting for me anymore. I’m so numb and used to it.

All of these LGBT accounts are liking one of my Instagram posts and I’m really confused on why. It’s just a post of me and my friend for her birthday and I posted it like 2 weeks ago. Weird. Maybe they know I’m super super gay for Bex TK. Or they know I’m just super gay in general.

I wanna chop all my hair off. Not like shave my head bc I could never pull that off but I want to cut it like a boy. No I’m not trans or anything like that but I need a change and I’ve been wanting boy hair for a while. A pixie cut is what I mean. I think they’re sexy on girls who can pull them off. Like Bex. Sorry not sorry.

I really love the all Spanish version of Despacito, the one without Justin Bieber. It’s so much better than the one with him. It’s so authentic and beautiful. Idk I can’t stop listening to it. I’m also really loving Dodie Clark and acoustic song covers lately.

My mom, Penny and I are taking a kayaking class on Sunday. It’s gonna be so dumb but maybe it’ll be fun. Penny leaves soon and it makes me really sad to think about.

I want a dog. A puppy more specifically.

My friend Hanna is “mad” at me bc I love Bex. She thinks that since she knew who she was first that “she’s mine”. But in reality I’m gonna marry Bex. She’s so perfect. Hanna can go fuck herself. Jk I love her but still… Bex is mine.

It was my moms birthday today and we went on a trail ride together. It was fun except we lowkey got lost and I started freaking out but we made it back okay.

I never have one specific thing to talk about in a post. It always just flows through my past couple of days. There’s just never anything so exciting to dedicate one post to.

I’m gonna go, I need sleep so I can be well rested for Six Flags.

Also I’m naming my daughter Audrey. PSA. Maybe Audrey Jane so she can be called AJ if she wants. Oh well, I mean I have time to think about it. Anyways.

Much love,

-Juliette Sorrano

 

So um… hi again.

Hey, I didn’t die, I’m still here! Sadly.

I just needed to take a break from social media and blogging for my mental health. I hope you guys understand. I’m glad to be back though.

My mom finally scheduled an appointment with a therapist for me! Her name is Jen and she’s really nice. I like her a lot. It took her one meeting with me and she already can tell that I’m severely depressed. My mom still doesn’t really believe me but I guess she just got tired of me complaining to her. I’ve had 2 sessions with Jen so far.

I spoke with Jen and she helped me figure out a lot in just one session. I don’t have feelings for Alaska anymore and I’m so glad. She helped me see how Alaska is very toxic and is pulling me along like a dummy on a string. She didn’t say it in those words though, don’t worry. But I’m very thankful that I’ve figured this out.

I don’t know, blogging hasn’t seemed right for me lately. I never know what to write. But I’m trying, really I am.

I can’t wait for school to start. I love school and learning. I’ve never liked summer vacation. I get tired of it very fast.

I really want to get a boyfriend this year. I don’t know why. I want a relationship. I think I’m ready to try one again. I love nicely dressed guys. I love when they put themselves together in nice outfits and when they’re smart and like school and have nice hair and are clean shaven. I also love when they’re musical. That’s my ideal guy right there. There are barely any in my school though. It sucks. And guys just don’t like me. I’m ugly and annoying and obnoxious. Everyone kind of hates me.

I rode a horse named Cory for my trainer today. She wants me to start working with him a lot because he’s barely trained and very feisty. He was a nice ride but needs a lot of work. He’s basically a fireball and loves to jump and please, but he only has a foundation. He’s very different than Nicky, even though she’s also very green. So I guess he’s my project for a bit which is fun.

I’m going to Six Flags on Thursday with my friends! It’s gonna be very fun, I love roller coasters and all that shit. It’s so great. Penny’s coming too.

It’s my mom’s birthday on Wednesday. Yeah that’s all.

Anyways, how are you guys? That’s been my life for the past couple weeks.

Much love,

-Juliette.

“I have no idea.”

A lot of people ask me, “Juliette, what do you want to do when you grow up?”, but not in the child way. I’m about to be a sophomore in high school, and it’s gonna fly by. I’ll be in college soon enough, and then I’ll be out of college and onto life. If I make it that far.

That is an absolutely terrifying thing to think about. I have no idea what I want to do when I’m a grown up. I know, all of you are thinking that I don’t need to worry about it and that I have time to think about it, but I really don’t have that much.

I haven’t thought about it in a while. I don’t know, thinking about the future has always made me feel numb because I don’t think I’ll make it to my future. I know that sounds super sad, but at this point in my life I’m not so sure. It’s not getting better. It hasn’t changed and it’s not going to.

I especially know that you can live with pain. You can live with a broken foot, a broken leg, a concussion, a pulled muscle. You can even live with depression, schizophrenia, and anorexia. You can live through anything … until it becomes too much.

Every human has a breaking point. That’s natural in life. They hit rock bottom. The lucky ones climb back up again and make their way back to the top. I don’t think I’m so lucky. I’ve broken down a lot. But I don’t ever think I’ve actually hit rock bottom. Things are always able to get worse, especially when you think they can’t. That’s life. Each human’s breaking point is different. Some can handle more than others. I don’t know how much more I can handle.

I’ve been through a lot. I have been depressed for almost 2 years now. I don’t eat. I broke my foot. My parents don’t listen to me or believe me whenever I try to talk to them. It sucks.

But helping others helps me. I like helping others when they are going through hard times. I like listening to what people have to say and I like being an emotional rock. It kind of helps me. If anyone needs someone to talk to, I’m here for you.

So no, I don’t know what I’m going to do in the future. I don’t even know if I’ll make it to the future. I’m struggling really bad. I’m trying to be happy and I’m trying to push through but it’s just not working. Hopefully I make it.

Thank you for all of the love.

-Juliette

I’m dying.

I am so fucking depressed.

I want to die.

I’m done. Exhausted. Blown out. Finished.

Nothing helps, nothing is working.

I don’t eat. I’m too fat to eat. I’m 5’7″ and 127 lbs. I’m huge. I haven’t eaten in days. I just want to die. Nobody loves me or cares about me. It’d be easier if I died, then people wouldn’t have to worry anymore.

I cut myself every single day. I want out. Nobody understands.

My dad’s barely involved in my life because he’s so damn busy. My mom thinks I feel this way because of my period and adolescence. Nobody actually cares. Nobody cares until you’re dead. That’s when they start to care, after you’re gone and they don’t actually have to worry about you.

My friend Hanna once asked me, “why do you even cut?”

I don’t know Han, why do I cut myself? Maybe it’s because nobody gives a single shit about me. Nobody would care if I died. Maybe it’s because I’m so fucking exhausted of life and I just want it to end. I’m so fucking done. I’m tired of all of this bullshit.

My sister Penny is leaving for college soon. She’s the only one who cares about me. But she’s leaving. I won’t have anyone after she’s gone. She’ll be caught up with college and I’ll be stuck here, wanting to die every second of my life. Unless I end it right now. Then I would be fine. I wouldn’t have to worry about people leaving me because I wouldn’t be here to witness it.

I just want to die.

Somebody help me.

-Juliette Maya Sorrano

I could’ve died today.

I’m giving up on tracking days. Sorry.

Also sorry for not posting, I forgot if I’m being honest. I just didn’t have time. I’m back though.

So today I was almost in a freak horse accident. I rode Nicky (my horse) twice today. Once in the morning, and then again in the afternoon. I had some work to do around the barn so I just stayed and rode twice. It wasn’t too hot. In the morning she was an absolute angel. I’m teaching her how to do leg yields and she’s really catching onto everything I’m trying to teach her. I ate lunch after and hung out with some barn friends. We decided to set up a cross country course in one of our fields and do that for our afternoon ride. Nicky was getting a bit antsy the first time we did it all together. She bucked once and was just going really fast. That was fun though because she just gets really excited. I did it alone and she was galloping all over and bucking and rearing because she was so excited. She galloped up the hill full speed and there was no stopping her. She was bucking and rearing and finally reared up so big that she fell backwards. She didn’t land on me. She landed almost on top of me. But somehow avoided landing on me. It was the most terrifying riding experience of my life. It was the most terrifying experience of my life in general.

Now don’t give me shit about not being able to control my horse. I can control her. She just gets very excited when we do cross country and we hadn’t done it in a while. I usually also lunge her before every ride to get her energy and bucks out but there was no time to because it was about to rain. She is an off-the-track 5 year old thoroughbred. A baby. A green baby. Sometimes she gets excited. Everyone has their moments. Some are more dangerous than others. I’m lucky I’m here writing this right now.

I’m not writing this post so you feel bad for me. I don’t want you too, I’m fine. My back hurts so badly and I’m a little shaken up, but I’m okay. I’m writing this because what happened to me was a huge reality check. Let me explain.

A lot of the time, if you’ve been riding for a while like me, you start to take things for granted. Not in a spoiled way, but just in a forgetful way. We sometimes forget how much our horses do for us and how they can literally kill us in 2 seconds but don’t. We forget that there are so many people who want to ride horses but can’t for many different reasons. We forget that they’re actually live animals with minds of their own. It’s a reminder to always pay attention and to always be in your best mindset while riding a horse. It’s a reminder to not push yourself to do things if you’re not completely comfortable with doing them.

I am so thankful that what happened today didn’t end up being something much worse. If she had landed about 5 inches to the right, I would probably be dead right now. She would’ve crushed my skull and I wouldn’t be alive. Or I would be in a coma, unconcious at the hospital. I am so thankful that today went the way it went. Hell fucking yeah it was terrifying and I wish it hadn’t happened all together. But since it did, I’m glad it went the way it did. I landed on my back obviously so it hurts a lot lot lot. I went to the ER just to make sure it wasn’t fractured or broken. I just have a bunch of scrapes and bruises. I’m not broken, thank the great god above. I’m just so thankful that it wasn’t something worse because it could’ve been, easily.

I’m not mad at Nicky, and I’m not selling her either, if you were wondering. She got excited. She’s an animal. Things happen, and I’m alright. Horses are wild. People are going to fall off and get hurt. Things aren’t going to go perfect every time you ride. Shit happens. I don’t blame Nicky. I don’t blame anyone. It was an accident. Why would I sell my horse, the love of my life, my sanity, because of one accident? Sure, we’ve had other bad falls. I’ve fallen off more times than I can count. She’s had injuries aswell from falling/tripping or just because she has bad feet. But I love her more than anything. I trust her with my whole life. Why would I sell her? She’s the best thing I’ve ever had.

My parents don’t trust her. They never have, because she’s big and because of everything that’s happened with us. They want me to get rid of her. But there’s no way in hell.

I just wanted to come on here and say you can’t take things for granted. Whether it’s horseback riding or something else. Take what just happened to me. I could’ve died. But I didn’t. You have to really pay attention to everything and just trust that life will lead you to the right place. You also have to realize that bad things will happen. Life isn’t peachy keen. It’s scary and ugly and dangerous. But that’s life.

Thank you for listening.

-Juliette

Day 6: I finally did something!

I did stuff today guys! Are you proud of me? My dad and I went to a shopping outlet, which is basically an outdoor mall with a bunch of outlets where everything is cheaper than it would be if you were in the actual store. It was super fun, we just got to hang out and walk around and eat food and shop. I only bought one thing, a white polo t-shirt, because I’m going back again tomorrow with my mom to get a summer wardrobe. It’s odd going clothes shopping with my dad, and it was a trip for him anyways. The reason I bought a white polo t-shirt is because I’m on my barn’s drill team and we do performances all over our state and we compete and our dress code is a white polo, tan breeches, and other things supplied by the team manager person. I never got around to getting a white polo so I used a white t-shirt but since there was an opportunity to get one I just scooped it up.

I got a crepe at one of the food stands and it was really windy. I ate about half of it and then it fell on the ground! It was very sad. But then we went to Starbucks and I got s strawberry acai refresher. It was so good, it’s my favorite drink there.

Penny (my sister) dyed her hair today! It was a light brown and she dyed it to a teal/turquoisey blue. It looks so good on her, I love it so much.

I went driving with my mom again, but this time my twin brother came with us. We took turns driving and we were being really dumb and rowdy and trying to compete with each other and my mom got mad because we were just going fast and being dumb. We were being safe though, nobody went over 20mph lmao. I love driving.

I didn’t get to see Nicky today because I was super busy with my dad but I’m seeing her tomorrow so all is good.

I ate pizza today. It was good.

I’m about to blow all my money (not really but i’m gonna spend quite a bit) on the Ogilvy Jumper Half Pad, some sport boots from horze.com, and other necessities. That’ll be fun. I love buying things.

I have a physical tomorrow, then I’m going shopping with my mom. That’ll be fun. Why do I say that so much? I have a problem. Anyways…

how was your guy’s day? I feel like my blogs are really boring. Sorry.

-Juliette