Hello to whoever ends up reading this, if anyone! I’m Juliette, but if you wanna get really specific, I’m Juliette Maya Sorrano. I’m 14 years old, just a wee little one. I’m basically a sophomore in high school, I just finished freshman year. I took my last final yesterday actually. I started a blog for many reasons. I wanted somewhere to vent and write whatever I wanted where nobody would find it. Obviously people are going to find it, but it’s gonna be way harder to find than a journal laying around my bedroom. I love horseback riding and I have my own horse named Nicky. I love her more than anything. I’m bisexual. Kind of. I don’t know how to represent myself. I know I like girls, but I’m not sure if I still like boys because I used to have crushes on them, but I haven’t in a while. So I call myself bisexual. I’m probably just super gay though, if I’m being honest.
I went through hell this past year. I lost my best friend, she completely turned on me. I had nobody. I was super sad and alone and that’s when I started to plummet. I was always bullied for something as a child, so I never really had friends to begin with. But I lost the best thing I ever had. It was a very hard time. I crawled back up though. I met new people and started to learn more about myself, such as my sexuality. I met the most amazing girl, her name is Alaska. She was mysterious and loving and funny and so beautiful. We started dating in July of 2016. We lasted about 2 months, and I ended things. I honestly don’t know why. I felt insecure about myself. I got really sad again after I broke up with her, because we stopped talking. Christmas came and went, and so did my birthday, which is December 27th. Alaska and I fell back into talking. Then we fell out again. Then we fell back in. Then we fell back out again. We have a toxic relationship, if I’m being honest. We’re bad for each other, but also the best thing the other person ever had.
January was when I started feeling suicidal and very depressed. I had literally nobody. That’s when I started hurting myself. I would cut and starve myself. My sister Penny, she’s about to be a freshman in college, started to notice I wasn’t eating and forced me to. I love her so much. But I would refuse to eat and I would hide away in my room and just hurt myself. In February I broke my foot by skiing. I could do anything for 2 months. That really sucked. I still felt really terrible and depressed. The months went by, and nobody really noticed how bad I was feeling, except for Penny. But she didn’t even know how bad it was. My parents didn’t even notice. They still don’t, even though the school social worker told them I hurt myself. Yeah, they actually don’t give a shit.
About two weeks ago Alaska and I had a really long talk on the phone. I love her. I never stopped. I want to be with her so much. She told me she still had feelings for me too. But we can’t be together because she has a boyfriend she can’t break up with because he’s been there for her for so long or some bullshit like that. But she doesn’t love him. Not the way she loves me, she said. I don’t know how to live with that. There’s absolutely nothing stopping us from getting back together. Except for her boyfriend, who’s long distance! They’ve never even met in person! I don’t really understand why she can’t break up with him.
Jump ahead two weeks, and we’re at last night. I tried to kill myself. Like actually. I started texting a crisis line, and they really helped me. Jump ahead another day, and I’m here, writing my first post for my blog, spilling my life story. My parents refuse to find me a therapist and refuse to put me on medication. They think I’m faking being depressed because it’s “a trend in kids my age”. I’m going in for a physical soon. I’ll tell my doctor how I’m feeling. I really need help. I’m suffering so much.
I need Alaska. I’m so in love with her. It’s crazy. I don’t really know how I can feel feelings like this at 14 years old. But I do. It hurts me so much because I literally can’t do anything to make us be together. I’ve done all I can.
Tomorrow, Penny (my sister) is graduating high school. I’m playing the clarinet in my school band at the ceremony. We always play “Pomp and Circumstance”. I really don’t know what I’m going to do without her once she moves out. I’m scared. I need her.
So, that was my life last year up until now. Didn’t it seem like so much fun? Anyways, sorry it was so long, I just needed to get it all out in the first post.
If you’ve read this far, maybe you’ll stick around for my future posts?
Much love to you all,